Well Hello Loves….said in my most sultry, smooth and soothing voice….. 

I want to get curious about the VOICE that is in our heads and WHO it is that is talking to you disguising themselves as your voice. No, I’m not talking about “hearing voices”…I’m talking about your Jiminy Cricket/conscience voice. You know the one…remember in old cartoons it would be the angel/devil version of yourself on either shoulder guiding you…THAT voice. 

Now, if you asked me in public, I would say I am creative, kind, and energetic, but in my own head I had internalized a narrative of being useless as an adult. To the outside world I function quite well (for the most part). I have a good job, a good family, all the markers of a “successful* life”. The asterisk is because I am fat and that can nullify all success in our culture, which is another reason I am writing this today because THAT voice…. it is in there and it is rooted and deep. THAT voice is reinforced when I log onto my computer, walk into the grocery store, turn on the tv and am bombarded with ALL the ways I don’t measure up.

So, let’s start painting a picture…. neuro-divergent brain, overweight, woman, control freak, perfectionist, poor follow through, with a drinking problem. THAT is ME… well that is how my inner monologue sees me. And that voice, it is ALWAYS There just waiting to tell me things…. 

In the grocery store…DO NOT buy cheez-its you need to lose weight!

In the library…. Why aren’t you challenging yourself with something that will help you grow? 

In the line at the bank…. Maybe if you were better with money life would be better for you? 

At the store…. You can’t wear that it makes you look bigger than you already are!

At my kid’s school…. Maybe if YOU weren’t such a disaster…!

In the summer…Ugh! You are so sweaty and gross!

At work…. You would be farther in your career if you just tried harder!

At night…. Why are you just sitting here there is more to do?! Don’t be lazy!  

Take a minute and think about this…. You are having a bad day…you woke up late (voice: why didn’t you go to bed when you should have last night?!)  and couldn’t shower (voice: great and now you stink…like literally), your hair is a mess (voice: when they say bedhead is sexy, this isn’t what they are talking about!), you spill coffee on your pants on the way out the door (voice: what is wrong with you?! Why would you try and juggle a coffee and the dog leash?!), your kid is late for XXX (voice: your kid is going to be messed up because you can’t get your shit together), you are late for XXX (voice: Do you really have to apologize AGAIN for being late?!) , you forgot to XXX (voice: maybe if you had just taken a moment to put a reminder in your phone, instead you just keep dropping the ball?!) .. you know the day I am talking about and then XXX happens the FINAL STRAW and YOU say out loud… “UGH! I am USELESS!” Do you really believe that you are useless because you are having a bad day…or maybe it is the constant stream of shit talk that you have been feeding yourself throughout this bad day that has led you to this conclusion?!   


One of the most important parts of Curious Movements is learning to recognize WHO it is we are listening to. “Ummm…Lu, I am listening to myself!”…It might be your voice, but I am curious….is it really YOU? When I tell you to shake your arms, or be goofy, or loud and the voice in your head screams “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! YOU LOOK…… (Fill in your own blank)!” That voice is NOT me… That voice is NOT YOU! That voice has been given to you anytime you have internalized shame, internalized other’s expectations, internalized the lessons about what you need to do to “fit in”. I think it is REALLY important to stop identifying this voice as your own. Remember, we like our thoughts of who we are to align with the way we live….so if this voice is YOU then it must be right. Fuck that. That is not your voice…that is the voice of your middle school bully, that is the voice of a “well meaning” critical parent, that is the voice of our culture, that is the voice of people who want to impose their “values” on your life and your beautiful mind has put THEIR words into your voice so that you listen to it. I have named my voice Edith (sorry any Edith’s in the world, I am sure you are lovely humans). I am learning to notice when she is chiming in and talking back to her…. YES, SOMETIMES OUT LOUD! This is changing how I move through this world, and I invite you right now to pick a name…. any name…. I’ll wait…. you can change it later if a better one comes to you there won’t be a birth certificate or anything… and start to notice when she/he/they pipe up. Once you become aware that it is happening you can name it, and decide if it is serving your highest and best good and if it is not…tell yourself something that IS….remembering that it will take  time and you will have to repeat it…but since you’ve probably been repeating the shitty thing for a LONG time, I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how quickly things can change!

PHEW….that was a lot! I am curious…what is her/his/their name? Does this resonate with you? Can you be curious about the voices you are talking to yourself with? Have you already started this in your life and do you have any tricks of your own to share? Sending you light and love and ALL the kind words…XO Lulu